What if that was still a daily reality for you? What if every time you sinned, blood had to be shed?

I am realizing that there is a nugget a truth we can gather from that verse, and it’s this: in order to forgive another, you have to die to yourself. 

For many years, I have assumed that forgiving those who wronged me was a three-word quick fix. But as I walking out forgiveness right now, I am finding that forgiveness is very costly. I cannot forgive another without sacrificing my own desires. Humility isn’t easy. It requires me to lay down all that I am. And without humility, it is impossible to forgive. Love lays down its life for the good of others.

Colossians 3:13 says, “Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

How did the Lord forgive me? He died for me. He laid down His life for me. In order to forgive others in this way, I have to die to myself and lay down my life, my desires, my needs for them.

This summer has definitely been a journey – a roller coaster at times and a stroll on the beach (literally) at times. Here’s a summary of a few aspects of my summer.

1. Uganda — Could I possibly sum up two of the most peaceful, fun, life-changing weeks of my life in a bullet point? We spent several months preparing for a couple weeks, and it could not have gone better. The best word to describe Gulu is “home.” Don’t hear me say that I plan on moving there. I am honestly not sure if my feet with ever walk those streets again. But at least for those two weeks, it was exactly where I wanted and needed to be — home. Life was simple, and following Jesus was simple. The fog I had been trying to get out of for months suddenly faded when I stepped foot into the Antioch office to head to the airport. Jesus brought some breakthrough and healing that I had been waiting months, even years, for while I was in Uganda — all in a small third story hotel conference room and on our balcony while the roosters crowed in the distance. Every morning, we strapped our Chaco’s onto clean feet and by dinner, they were once again covered in the orange dirt of Gulu Town. And it didn’t bother me one bit. I loved looking down at those filthy feet. I have never felt so spent for the good of others in my life, and I am coming to realize that dirty feet is what life is all about. I am coming to realize how selfish I am and yet so unaware of my own selfishness. You can’t help but realize something like that when you walk around in a village in the middle of the bush wearing shoes that cost more than the monthly wage of the people you meet, when you play soccer with little kids who don’t speak English using a ball made out of balled up grocery bags, when you are see the tears in the eyes of a woman as she recalls being kidnapped by the LRA. Selfishness is so ingrained into our lifestyle and culture that we don’t even notice it. Even now, two months later, I am blinded to my own selfishness again. I long to go to bed every night with sore, tired, dirty feet because I have spent myself for the good of others.

2. Reading — After reading 13 novels last semester for school, I was itching for some time to read something other than postmodern or adolescent literature. This summer brought a lot of that. I read and read and read. Each and every book was an experience that changed me and gripped my heart. Here is my summer reading list so far:

Victory Over the Darkness- Reading this for a second time was just as good, or better, than the first.

Choosing Forgiveness- So freeing!

Hinds Feet in High Places- I felt like I was reading my own biography. But alas, it is the story we all share.

The 3 Loves- This book showed me the simple obediences of loving God, loving others and loving the lost.

Supernatural Ways of Royalty- Wrecked.

Always Enough- I learned so much about my own poverty of spirit and how there’s always enough for me too.

Prisoners of Hope- My heart was gripped and stirred and encouraged.

The Supernatural Power of Forgiveness- This is a book similar to what I want to write one day.

Forgotten God- Convicting. I talk about the Holy Spirit much more than I walk with Him.

Radical- This exceeded my expectations. It was incredible. Go read it now!

The Help- I read this after seeing the movie. Eye-opening, hilarious and amazing.

Revolution in World Missions- I am still reading this, but I can’t believe it took me so long to open it.

Love Revolution- I am still reading this, but love — pure, life-giving love — seems to be the theme of what I am learning this summer.

3. Family — Let me just start by telling you about this boy who has stolen my heart this summer. From the moment he first said, “Kay-a”— which then turned into “Kay-wo” — and now “Kay-wa” — I was smitten. If I leave the room for one minute, I can hear him yelling my name. When he spent the night at our house, he woke up in the morning and immediately started looking for me and calling my name. I am probably just a tad biased, but I am convinced that my nephew is the smartest, cutest, funniest baby alive. And then my niece can be summed up in one word — precious. Most of the time she seems more like a baby doll than a child. She is so small and beautiful and sweet. She’s the little sister I have wanted since I was old enough to talk. I have had an amazing time with my parents this summer too. (Right now, they keep trying to talk me into staying at home “just one more night.”) They have blessed me in more ways that they realize. This morning, they woke me up saying they wanted to go eat and see a movie with me after they both got off work. And tonight, my mom tucked me in and kissed me goodnight. (Do I really have to go back to school?)

4. Hawaii — I barely had enough time to unpack from Uganda before I was back on another airplane and another and another. June and July brought more time traveling than I ever care to repeat. I went to Hawaii with my mom, dad and older brother. We spent two days on the island of Kauai before flying over the Maui for the rest of our trip. We shared many memories that I won’t soon forget. The food and entertainment were great of course, but I was just so blessed by sharing it with people I love and people who love me. And I met Bill Johnson!

5. Lessons learned — It would definitely take more than a blog post or a coffee date for me to explain all the lessons I learned this summer. All the places of confusion that were clarified. All the promises the Lord was faithful to. But the theme has been love. I am learning that what I called “love” was really selfishness, and the true, life-giving love of God is bigger and better than anything Hollywood can imagine. I am learning that sometimes love looks like changing dirty diapers when you would prefer to pass them off. I am learning that sometimes love looks like doing the dishes just to give your mom or grandmother a break. I am learning that sometimes love looks like silence. But then sometimes love looks like being a faithful source of encouragement to those who have none. Sometimes love looks like laying down your life for someone and getting nothing in return, and sometimes love looks like giving as much as you take and walking with someone. Sometimes love looks like turning your cell phone off for a few hours a day to take some time to be filled with the love of God and rest. And sometimes love looks like being there when someone just needs to be heard, just needs a friend. But at the end of the day, love must look like something. And that’s a hard revelation for a writer like me because words are my life. (I mean, who else has ever diagramed sentences as an act of worship?) But all my flowy words have done is deceive me into thinking I was loving someone well when I was really just looking out for myself and trying to get “mine.” The Lord has taken hold of my motives and is faithfully revealing to me when my “love” is a tool of manipulation and when my love is truly love — love that empties itself knowing that it will be filled again. Love is not afraid of lack because when you turn to Jesus, there’s always enough.

Tonight I watched Soul Surfer, and I just wanted to share a couple quotes and thoughts.

The first time Bethany gets in the water after the shark attack, she stands with her best friend and family on the beach and looks out at the surf. Her best friend asks her, “Are you afraid?” And she replies:

“More afraid of not surfing.”

That really struck me as I began to apply it to my own life.

I am afraid of laying down my life for people, but more afraid of losing that life because I tried so hard to keep it.

I am afraid of risking my heart and opening up to love, but more afraid of numbing my heart and never knowing true, pure love.

I am afraid of following Jesus wherever He may lead, but more afraid of disobeying Him and reaping the fruit of disobedience.

I am afraid of trying to love and disciple the nations, but more afraid of not hearing the Lord say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant,” on the day I meet Him face to face.

I am afraid of dreaming big, but more afraid of settling for mediocrity.

Another quote was at the end of the movie when she was interviewed, and the reporter asked if she wishes she had stayed home the day of the shark attack.

“I wouldn’t change what happened to me because then I wouldn’t have had this chance to embrace more people than I ever could with two arms.”

If the supreme goal of life really is love, then aren’t our valleys just places to acquire more love and compassion for the broken people we meet every day? What looks like a curse to me could be the biggest blessing to another. Because of all that I lost in the trial, I will be able to embrace more people than I ever could if I had lived a perfect life.

Today, the Lord gave me a vision of myself playing this game. He showed me that this was a false reality that I live in. On one end of the court was God, and the other was sin/ the enemy.

In my life, I often view God and sin as polar opposites. I leave no room for balance and bounce from one extreme to the other. When I get close to sin, my default is to imagine a whistle and run in the opposite direction. This can help you stay out of some sins, but it totally destroys you when you are running the other direction from what God has for you.

The truth is, the enemy does not tell us the exact opposite of what the Lord tells us. He tweaks it enough to make it a half-truth. My tendency is to run the other direction, and in turn, I end up missing the lie and the truth. A friend articulated this tendency perfectly last night. He said, “You don’t flee the enemy. You resist him, and he flees from you.” When the enemy lies to me, I immediately want to prove him wrong by running the other direction, but satan’s lies aren’t the filter through which we see truth. I don’t have to run from lies. I just get to forget them and ask the Lord what He says about me.

So as it turns out, I am not caught in a straight line between Jesus and the enemy. I am walking down the path of life towards Jesus, and the enemy steps in and tries to distract me.

But why am I so prone to let him and believe him?

As I was talking to an agnostic-atheist today, the Lord brought conviction about that. The girl was saying that the first word “agnostic” refers to what you know. So gnostic is knowing, and agnostic is not knowing. The second one refers to belief. Theist is believing in God, and atheist is not believing. So this girl was saying that she does not believe there is a God, but she doesn’t really know. Ideally, a Christian would be a gnostic theist; someone who both believes and knows that God exists. But the Lord convicted me that I sometimes live my life as an agnostic-Christian, someone who believes in their heart that God exists, but isn’t convinced of it and therefore doesn’t live like it. He showed me that I often live my life in the reality that if He doesn’t show up, I will be OK. I take my needs elsewhere, just in case He doesn’t fill them. I take my desires as my own, just in case He decides not to fulfill them. I do not tell the world about Jesus, just in case I really am wrong.

On the way home, the Lord revealed to me that faith without conviction does not change the world. And faith without conviction will never leave me satisfied. The verse about resisting the enemy also says that if we draw near to God, He will draw near to us.

If I believe something, and am not convinced of it, I will constantly live in that world on the basketball court. I will run to Jesus but when I get almost to Him, I will get scared that He is not real and run the other way. And then when I get close to the enemy, I will get scared of sin and flee from him.

If I am to walk on the path of life, I must stop running from the enemy and start resisting him. If I am to walk on the path of life, I must believe and know that Jesus is real and is fully sufficient to meet my needs.

Over the Christmas break, I finished the novel Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte. I have wanted to read this for some time, but due to its length (527 pages) and these little things called syllabi, I was unable to finish it until now.

In Chapter 24, Jane Eyre, a simple governess with a plain face, is talking with her master Mr. Rochester. Rochester has asked for her hand in marriage and is trying to convince her why he wants to be with her.

Rochester: “I will myself put the diamond chain round your neck, and the circlet on your forehead, which it will become; for nature, at least, has stamped her patent of nobility on this brow, Jane; and I will clasp the bracelets on these fine wrists, and load these fairy-like fingers with rings.”

Jane: “No, no, sir! think of other subjects, and speak of other things, and in another strain. Don’t address me as if I were a beauty; I am your plain, Quakerish governess.”

Rochester: “You are a beauty in my eyes; and a beauty just after the desire of my own heart, delicate and aerial.”

Jane: “Puny and insignificant, you mean. You are a dreaming, sir—or, you are sneering. For God’s sake, don’t be ironical.”

Rochester: “I will make the world acknowledge you a beauty, too.”

If you have read this entire novel, you know that Jane was an orphan raised by her unwelcoming and almost abusive aunt. Jane was never raised as a member of the family but rather as a tenant who lived rent-free. At the age of 10, she was sent to a charity school where the means were simple and the teachers were strict. After she graduated, she stayed as a teacher at the school, and then she became a governess at Thornfield Hall, which Rochester owned.

In Jane’s history, she had always been considered simple, plain, insignificant, forgotten, rejected and disowned. Her reality became shaped by the views of people she encountered. In sociology, this is called the “looking glass self” — a term meaning that a person’s perception of self is influenced by interpersonal reactions and the perceptions of others.

As I read that, I was struck by how often we try to convince people not to love us. At one point in the dialogue, Jane says that she believes that Mr. Rochester will love her for six months and then reject her. This woman was so marked by rejection that she could not believe that someone could actually love her.

How many times am I like that? How many times do I believe a false reality about myself rather than my true identity in Christ? How many times do I disbelieve that I can and will be loved by my Father?

Reread the dialogue from above and input your name for Jane and Father God for Mr. Rochester. Listen to how He marvels over you. Listen to how He thinks the world of you. Listen to how He loves you.

“You have stolen My heart, My sister, My bride; You have stolen My heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace.” Song of Songs 4:9

Jesus, I choose You as my looking glass. With unveiled face, I reflect Your glory. I choose to believe that I am being transformed into Your likeness and not the likeness that I have created in my mind or that others have spoken over me. Because You see no flaw in me, I will reject the lies that I am undesirable, unlovable and unattractive. Your reality is the true one. Your reality is the real one. Your reality is the biggest one. Let Your reality be my reality.

The holes in my heart
Like a vortex
Their suction consuming
And destroying all in their path

The pain of the past
Left me like a Louis Sachar novel
They dig, dig, dig
Uncovering rawness, land mines and clay

Who has time, who has desire,
Who has ability
To fill as quick
As it empties?

Who has an arm
Long enough to save?
Who has a heart
Big enough to embrace?

Could the Name of Jesus
be enough to sustain us?
Could one touch alone
Reach down and make me whole?

So You pick up Your shovel
To the make the empty full
The broken restored
And the hurting healed

Surely You are the answer
The Comforter, the Counselor
In You, the holes become mountains
And the dry beds are fountains

That was about a year ago, and since then, I’ve been running from this anointing. I was hurt and broken in the area of friendship, and my default reaction was to run from what I knew and push out everyone who tried to pursue friendship with me. I became the polar opposite of what the Lord intended for me, and I am still in that place. But for the first time in many months, I don’t want to be that person anymore. I don’t want to be indifferent or uncaring or imcompassionate or selfish or proud anymore. I want to love people well. I want to love my family well. I want to love my friends well. I want to obey John’s admonition in 1 John 3 to love others in action and truth, rather than word or tongue.

Tonight I dug back through some resources that I wrote when I was uncovering what it meant to have a Barnabas anointing. In this passage, everywhere that it mentioned Barnabas, I declared it over my own life. This is my desire. This is who I want to become. This is where I’m headed. Let this be said of all of us. Insert your name in the blanks to see who God created you to be as well.

Kayla is a giver. She is a daughter of encouragement. She is selfless and loves her fellow believers. She is a Levite, meaning the Lord is her inheritance. She is wholly consecrated to the Lord. She is also a daughter of prophecy. Kayla trusts people when no one else does. She is often someone’s first friend who loves them well, even if they have been alone for many years. Kayla believes the best about others and introduces them to her community. Kayla’s acceptance, encouragement and love embolden people to preach the Word and walk into their destinies. Kayla is a woman of joy. She looks for grace everywhere she goes. She encourages people to remain faithful to God. She is full of the Holy Spirit and faith. People will be saved because of Kayla’s anointing to love. Kayla searches people out and brings them into her family. She is persistent in finding the lost and in pursuing her friends. Because Kayla partners with fellow believers, the Kingdom is advanced, and ripples are made throughout the community. Kayla will complete the work she has been given to do. She is a finisher. Kayla proclaims the Word at home and away from home. She is obedient in staying and obedient in going. She is set apart. She worships, prays and fasts passionately. She hears the voice of the Holy Spirit. She is a prophet and a teacher. She is OK with others being exalted above her. She walks in true humility and is for the good of others. Her ultimate goal is not self-exaltation, but for God to be glorified and the Kingdom to be advanced. Kayla supports others and lifts them up. She does not mind when people below her and lifted above her. Kayla is bold. She stands firm under persecution. She is full of joy and the Holy Spirit. She knows who she is. She knows that God is the One who performs miracles. She does not get caught up in herself or think of herself higher than she should. She always points back to God. Kayla stands by people even if they are thought to be too far gone. She is a wingman to her fellow believers. She carries the Gospel everywhere she goes. She strengthens and encourages people in the Lord. People are built up when they are around her. She is realistic and lets people know that they will suffer much for following Jesus. She walks humbly under authority and submits to God. She seeks the Lord about decisions with prayer and fasting. She is a carrier of the power and presence of God. Signs and wonders follow her, and she relays them to many. People are captivated by her stories. She is loved by the people she visits and ministers to. She is not always going. She also stays at home and teaches there. She does not neglect her home in favor of her mission. Kayla gives people second chances. She does not give up on people. She always sees the best in people, even when wisdom or logic would say to give up. She chooses love over wisdom or caution. She does not care if she is hurt or rejected. She does not constantly worry about hurting others. She is compassionate and binds up the brokenhearted. She accepts the rejected. She extends grace when no one else will. She is a friend, a lover and an encourager. She loves others well. She stands by people even when everyone else walks away. She defends people’s character. She never stops loving, no matter the cost or pain. Kayla is loyal for life.

Jesus, awaken our hearts to love this way and to love like You love. Lord, impart this anointing to all of us who proclaim Your Name that we may back up Your Gospel with our love. May we be Your hands, feet, arms and eyes to a hurting world. Lord, use us to bind up broken hearts. Use us to love the unloved and accept the unaccepted. Use us to model Your heart to this world that needs You. Lord, heal our wounds and forgive our sin that we may offer our whole hearts back to You and to Your children. Jesus, make us like You in love.

To see what may be of worth

Somewhere to throw their cash and treasure

Something to bring them pleasure

I step onto the stage

Hands shaking and eyes wide

I hear a voice: “She’s the best in the lot.”

“She’s worth all you’ve got.”

The bids start at $200

They put a price on my heart

The song begins, and the paddles dance

Fighting for my heart in a twisted romance

A man takes my hand

And parades me around the arena

The serious buyers stand out from the deadbeats

Their names are Pride, Lust, Idols and Deceit

They won’t back down

The bids steeply rise

I begin to fear for my life

They want to make me their wife

They lie and say they’ll love me

They woo and romance

I begin to believe them and love the pursuit

I’m enticed by this forbidden fruit

Pride and Idols are down to the wire

They battle it out in fiery jealousy

I’m minutes away from meeting my lover

The man who will love me more than the others

Going once, going twice, the fight is soon to end

The gavel is about to drop

I hear a new voice: “I’ll give all I’ve got.”

For he must know I’m the best in the lot

The new bidder storms to the front and fights for my heart

I see him whisper to the other two

He pulls them aside as the auction disbands

Then he returns and takes me by the hand

We spend an evening together

Though it feels like eternity

After dinner, we return to the auction barn

And my lover lets go of my arm

He approaches Idols and Pride

They rip the shirt off his back

They nail him to a cross made from a tree

And my Lover dies to set me free

Would You love me like I’ve been Yours all along?

Can I love You as though I’ve never been hurt?

Can I come to You, forgetting what I should be worth?

Will You choose to forget all my sin and shame?

Will You forgive and extend Your precious grace?

Jesus, is it true that You will never change?

Jesus, can I believe that You will break these chains?

Can we start over and act like we’ve just met?

Are Your mercies new before the dew is wet?

Jesus, can we pick up right where we left off?

Will You redeem what’s been consumed by moth?

Will You welcome me with extended hands?

Can I come before You and still rise to stand?

Would You love me as though I’ve never done wrong?

Would You love me like I’ve been Yours all along?

“Father, I need You. Wake me every day with the words, “I need You” on my lips. I need You to purify this heart. I need You to make my heart whole. I need You to discipline, convict and refine. Will You come make me clean? If You are willing, Father, You can make me as white as snow. You can forgive me and redeem me. You can make me holy, blameless, righteous and pure. Father, I need You to come sift through the filth. Preserve me according to You unfailing love. Refine me like the gold. Cut off every branch in me that does not bear fruit. I want to be like You. I want to share in Your holiness. I want to walk in Your light without shame. Father, trade my shame and disgrace for a double portion and a delightful inheritance. I choose to detach myself from my sin. Sin is not my identity. Father, I stand before You guilty in my sin. I will not be justified unless Your Son takes this sin. I am dependent on Your grace. Your grace is my only means. I have no where else to go but to Your grace. There’s no other hope for me. I am hopeless and broken without a touch from You. Your grace, forgiveness and redemption in my life are a miracle. Father, make a miracle out of me. Transform me like You’ve done so many times before. I need You. I am nothing without You, so I will give You everything. I cannot take another step without You. Father, thank You for what You are doing in my life. My thankful heart will prepare the way for You. I fall on You. I fall on the cornerstone. I declare my dependency on You. Father, I admit that I need You. I humble myself at Your feet and lay bare my neediness. I will not be healed unless You heal me. I will not be satisfied unless You satisfy me. I will not be loved unless You love me. I repent for all the days I have trusted in myself or others and turned my back on You. Father, forgive me for all the times I blatantly rebelled and all the times I did not know what I was doing. I know that Your mercy and grace cover all my sins. You will cleanse me from all unrighteousness. Lord, don’t let me get back to a place where I have to be shocked into choosing You. I want to choose You even where the choices are plentiful. I want to need You just as much when I am strong as I do when I am weak. Your grace is always sufficient for me. I choose to tap into it. I love You, Father. If You strip away everything, I will still love You. If I never see my reward on earth, I will still love You. You’ve got my love, allegiance and commitment no matter what. Father, grant me a willing spirit. Create in me a pure heart, O God. I am flinging wide the doors to my heart to let You come in and work. You are my vinedresser. You are my source of life. I give You all that I am and trust that You will make me all that You want me to be. I need You, Father. I love You, Jesus. Make me white as snow. You will wash me white in Your mercy. It’s Your mercy that achieves my righteousness.”